WAITING: To stay or rest in expectation; to stop or remain stationary till the arrival of some person or event; to rest in patience; to stay; not to depart.
Since deciding to proceed with our adoption, two years have gone by. Months of taking classes, filling out forms, moving and home nesting. We are at the point where all we have to do is sit and wait. There is nothing we can do to speed the process. Just sit and wait without any time-line.
We have not read much online about what to do with ourselves during this waiting time. All the books seem to make light of. They say it sucks and to keep busy. But that is about it. So far we have found it to be a wibbly wobbly timey wimey ball of emotion;. Fear, panic, happiness, joy and sadness.
We have tried to create little projects for us to work on to keep our minds busy and not sulk. Joshua is building a new house computer server for all of our music & video files. Anthony has been working on a photo filled welcome book for the kiddo and planning a huge model railroad system on paper, “The Samuel Sorensen Memorial Train Set”. Anthony plans building it in the third bedroom, once Sam leaves the nest or we convince/blackmail another family member to take Sam in. But the sheer costs of Anthony’s imagined train set and Joshua’s petabyte server farm might be more then we can handle or afford.
Christmas was another great distraction. We had lots of commitments and busy schedules to fill up the down time. But they were also a big emotional reminder of that large empty kids room down the hall and of the large empty places around the Christmas tree.
To recap, since our home study was completed and sent out, we have had two kiddos’ caseworkers who have shown a little interest in us. But after we had a chance to learn a bit more about the kiddos and talk with our caseworker we realized we would not be a good match either kiddo. Even knowing that this is all part of the process, the emotional impact of these two semi-matches was still a big fast emotional warm fuzzy high followed by a lingering cold prickly low.
We are both becoming a little somber towards the entire adoption process. The hopeful spring matching is looking miles and miles away. Our faith that we will get any matches at all is at a low point. Our caseworker has told us not to worry, that we have a great home study and it’s all just part of the process. But that doesn’t stop of from being nervous, worried and simply hating this stage.
Sam (Joshua’s younger brother) has become the vessel for some of our restlessness. He lost his job right before Thanksgiving, and we have been covering his rent and feeding him for free (sorta) now for 3 months. Money is getting tighter and tighter because of this and Sam has been verbally reminded of his responsibilities more than once. A few times by both of us, at the same time, both guns blazing. But in the end, Sam is not the villain. It’s our own fears, angers and self doubts are running amuck in our little brains.
• Are we good enough?
• Are we being quietly discriminated out of the matching pool?
• Will we ever get a good match?
• Did we/I do something to mess this up?
There is also a real fear lingering in the back of our minds that all of this work and waiting will be for nothing. Just like a trip to Macaroni grill…
<INSERT GROOVY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE HERE>
About 4 years ago, we headed downtown for dinner at Macaroni’s grill. When we arrived the hostess gave us one of those buzzy light-up waiting sticks and we sat down in the waiting area, directly across from the hostess booth and waited… And waited… And waited… We were not in a hurry, we chatted and relaxed in the nice booth they had there.
After 45 minutes the hunger really kicked in, so we walked up to the desk and asked if they had forgotten us. They said no and apologized for the delay. So we sat down again in the waiting area with our buzzy light-up waiting stick and waited, and waited and waited. 20 minutes later, we started to notice new people being seated in to the preferred leather booth seating area after only waiting a few moments. So we walked up again and asked how much longer it would be.
Then the hostess who had been standing directly in front of us for 65 minutes, and 20 minutes earlier apologized to us, told us that they tried to seat us a long time ago but since we had left it was clearly our fault. “When the stick goes off you need to come up to the check in desk, Sir.” But our stick had not gone off.
But, luckily out of the kindness of her heart, even though “WE” had clearly messed up, she would help us out by getting us seated next. Us being us, accepted it and sat back down and waited some more with the smell of warm Italian butter (go on ask what “Italian” butter is..) in the air around us….
10 minutes and several other customers later the “next table” turned out to be all the way in the back room, in the private party area. They said us down at a tiny 2 top cocktail table, completely filled with restaurant table advertising clutter (and Italian butter) and then proceeded to seat a group of 30 hyperactive vociferous preteen girls all around us at the larger tables.
35 seconds later we were walking out the front door of the restaurant very, very mad. Mad at Macaroni grill and mad at ourselves for just taking it and not raising a fuse. Mad that we didn’t do something highly inappropriate with our defective buzzy light-up waiting stick. After smelling Italian food & Italian butter for 2 hours we ended up eating Taco Bell take away.
The gist of our little flashback is we don’t want Taco Bell this time. The fear of this all being for nothing is very much in our minds daily. That fear doesn’t go away, that fear is always hiding in every conversation and every quiet moment.
But that leads to our other chief problem. There is no one to be frustrated at. No villain to defeat or overcome to achieve victory. No restaurant hostess to yell at or angry letter to write. Our caseworker has done a great job for us and we have a great agency. We can’t be mad at the kiddos’ overworked caseworkers as they are working hard to protect those kiddos. So we have no legitimate person or thing to loath and project our frustrations on. And that in itself is frustrating.
So we continue to wait.