As we have posted before, we have started to branch out into the state of Washington in our search for a child to adopt. Venturing into Washington is a bit scary for us. We have heard several scary stories and tales that originally made us stay firmly on the Oregon side of the mighty Columbia. But as time has gone on in our adoption journey, we have been tempted across the river…. So we felt we should share here in our adoption blog what our feelings and what the results have been like. So far “it’s really not so very scary” and mostly just sad.
The first few submissions did not yield any results, which was not uncommon or unexpected. On 99.9% of our Oregon submissions we never hear a word back, not even a polite “No thank you”. But on the last two and most recent Washington submissions we not only got responses back, we got real interest from both caseworkers. Within a few days we found ourselves reading over two different 50+ page long faxes full of details and information all about these two very different little boys.
We will not get into anything specific on the children to protect their privacy, but both have heart breaking stories and some real warning flags surrounding both their mental health and past behaviors.
Even with over 50 pages of information on each child, we found there was surprisingly very little real information to go on to figure out who these kids are. Much of the medical information was old and just brief summaries highlighting the worst. Many times diagnoses were conflicting with other diagnoses. Joshua even noticed the same drug being prescribed under two different brand names.
We found it hard to tell from the dry text if the child’s behavior is a warning sign for worse issues or if it was the rotten caregivers/parents that triggered the behavior in the first place. A lot that was shared with us was red tape paperwork with lots data, plans of action but little real info to tell us who the child is and what he is like. But from what we have seen from the info you get in Oregon this is par for the course.
In the end we found ourselves looking a big list of highlighted worst behaviors. Facing and trying to work past those highlighted sections turned out to be harder than we had first thought and a very introspective process. There is this little voice in your head that says “Did you just turn up your nose?” or “You should be grateful for what you can get!” or “Starving people would love to eat that!” (Sorry wrong voice but you get our point.)
It boils down to this, adopting a child will change our life. We know that and are excited to embrace that 100% no question. But are we willing to change our life even more beyond that HUGE step? What parenting experience are we aiming for/hoping for? What parenting experience are we willing to accept.
In reviewing these two boys we found ourselves reviewing our own commitment. Are we willing take on the ongoing needs of a specific behavioral issue or medical problem and all the stress and additional problems that come with it? Are we willing to give away our pets? Are we prepared to provide 24 hour line of sight parenting? Where is the magic line in the adoption sand that we as a family will not cross on our adoption journey?
So after a few days to think about all this “fun” stuff, we had a long face to face meeting at Boys and Girls aid with our caseworkers. We brought a long three page list of follow up questions. Turns out so did our caseworkers, which was great because as we descended down our list we found that we were all on the same page and had a lot of the same questions. It was a great feeling and helped to quiet a few of our fears down a bunch. The four of us had a very frank conversation about all of our concerns and what the DeSoren household and what our world might look like with either placement.
We got back fairly fast response on kiddo #1. And we quickly had 4-way conference call with the current foster dad. A few weeks later we had a follow up call with kiddo #1’s therapist. After the foster dad’s call everyone felt very positive and for about 2 weeks we thought we might have found the one. According to the foster dad kiddo #1 is high needs but making good progress and things look bright. But after the call with the therapist, the whole idea of adopting kiddo #1 seemed like a very bad idea and a very poor match to our family. The therapist told us a story of a child with very high needs and more coming down the road. The call with the therapist really soured our impression of the kiddo.
Kiddo #2 was about the same. After reading all of the additional information we got back we felt the kiddo was not ready to be placed in an adoptive home yet and would not thrive without some additional therapy first.
So in the end we walked away from both kids. But for about a month every day felt like we were almost at the finish line. We are both a bit emotionally sensitive about it right now. And are both dealing with it differently and in our own way. Both of us are dreading getting the adoption questions next week when we meet up with the extended family for turkey day.
The waiting is hard, but the ramping up towards the goal only to end up at square one is even worse. Its a huge high and then huge crash followed by a feeling that we have failed and will never find our kid. The thing we have to keep telling ourselves is this really is a matching process. And at the end we will find the right kid. In the end it’s about making a good match and successful family, we get that. But it’s hard not to want a faster solution. It’s hard not to leap for a sure thing even when you know it’s not the best move for you or the child. It’s hard not to feel, our love will solve all the kiddo’s problems.
Oh for the old days were you could show up at the good old Minimum-Security Orphanarium and just pick the kid you want.