DeSoren Family

One of the first “officialish” questions we were asked when we started our adoption journey was what type of a child we were looking to adopt. We were asked this by the caseworker who ran the very first intro class we attended. She walked the room asked everyone in the room the same question. Mostly to weed out those who were not looking for kidos that fell into the special needs program (like healthy babies) so she could route them to the proper classes and programs. But that question keeps being asked of you over and over throughout the process until you get to committee and then the question changes to “Why this child?” and you are completely dumbfounded again.

When we were asked back then on day one we answered “We want a boy aged 4-8”, her reply was “Great! We have lots of those…” (this of course did not prove to be true). Back then I don’t think we could really answer the why yet. Our pat answer to why was a comic retort. We simply said we wanted to skip the diaper stage.But along the way we have learned more about ourselves and can now better answer the why.

For us there are several reasons why we want to adopt a little boy (or boys).  Some as simple and basic as the primal male need to have son. There is also more complicated and more noble reasons like the love we have found interacting and reaching for that teachable moment with kids of that age. And lastly the simple honest reasons that we are both still little boys ourselves. But, a new mind numbing  and wallet exploding reason to only adopt a boy came crashing into our world this weekend.

One of the cable tv stations was doing an afternoon of bride shows. Normally Joshua refuses to watch those types of shows as Anthony loves to watch and laugh at the Bridezillas. But this time the shows were not of out of control brides but of clueless brides getting surprise wedding makeovers. So both of us sat on the sofa and watched several episodes while playing on our iPads.

After the first episode, both of our inner diva’s came out and we were actively commenting on the poor dress choices, nasty colors, pig bridesmaids, ect. But the pinnacle moment came when one of the bride’s chose a tiara to wear and we both cried out in unison, “That’s not a tiara, that’s a headband!”

Later in the day after expressing our very vocal opinions over a $10k flower choice that we felt was just simply not enough, a slow and scary realization came to us both, that we would be bankrupted from the million dollar wedding that we would force upon our poor daughter.

“Please wait outside. The council will now meet in secret, debate your personality flaws, and come to a final decision.” Hairspray

Stress, nervousness and that sinking feeling you get in your tummy. Monday morning was a very emotional morning. The committee meeting was set for 1:00pm. Just to recap, we are not allowed to attend the meeting, only our caseworker. So we stupidly went to work and tried to function like it was a NORMAL day, which is was not. If there is a next time, we are taking the day off.

Here is a discription of how the committee process works, shamelessly stolen from www.afamilyforeverychild.org

“The committee consists of three members who are usually DHS caseworkers, retired caseworkers, or social workers experienced in the adoption field.  The committee meets for three hours, usually 9-Noon or 1-4 p.m.  Occasionally it lasts longer, but not often.

Committee starts with a presentation of the child by the CW.  Sometimes the child’s foster parent, therapist, court appointed special advocate (CASA), or attorney, is also present and invited to tell about the child as well.  The CW usually brings pictures, or the child’s Life Book, so the committee can view photos.  The goal is for the committee to have a thorough understanding of the child’s identity, personality, and special needs.  The committee members may have questions during this time about the child based on what they hear, read, or otherwise observe.

Once the child has been presented, any representatives for the child, except the CW, are dismissed and the AWs for the families each have a turn telling the committee about the family they represent.  Again, the committee members may have questions for the AW based on what they hear or what they have read in the family’s home study.

The committee members then remark on or list the strengths they heard or read about each family and the concerns they have about each family.  Then they vote.  If the two junior members each vote for a different family, the chair must break the tie with a vote for one of those two families so that we leave committee with a decision.  We nearly always leave committee with a decision about who will adopt the child.

When committee ends, the families receive a call informing them whether or not they were selected by the committee.”

We got the call from our caseworker at 4:45pm, Anthony took the call on the cellphone as he was stepping on to the MAX.

The results, Second place. The committee liked us and it was a tough call. But they decided to place the kido with the other family due to our age and because we lived in Portland which would mean the kido would have a bigger change to deal with (new doctors, daycare, school, ect…). The other family lived close to where the kido was currently living.

We did get picked as the back up family. Which is like being the runner up at the Miss Americia contest…. if Miss American can not fulfill her duties… yadda yadda. If the other family backs out before they do the placement we would become the primary family. But at this stage it is very very very rare for the primary family to back out.

So we are back to square one. The whole event was emotionally like packing your bags, flying to Disneyland, walking up the front gate, getting your ticket out to get scanned and instantly being transported by some sort of super science fiction transporter device back to your desk at work and there is a large pile of nasty work to be done.

We both wanted an out for dinner and headed right to our own comfort foods. Anthony got taco bell, Josh had Spam and eggs..

Wednesday night on June 9^th we got a phone call from our caseworker. She left us a voicemail. She wanted to let us know that if we approve we would be going to committee on a kido Monday afternoon June 14^th. We called her back and quickly arranged a impromptu meeting at our house for 8:30pm that night.

We should add a little background information here. Normally potential families submit their homestudy’s, if the caseworker thinks the family might be good match then the caseworker sends a larger amount of information back to the family to review. Time passes and when the caseworker feels she has a few good matches she then sends one to three families to committee. From that committee one family is picked and one is picked as a backup family. This process takes time.

Well we submitted our homestudy on this kido about two months ago, and were not in the top group picked. In fact we never heard back or got any additional information from the caseworker, which is pretty typical. It seems the caseworker picked three families to go to committee and just this week two of those families dropped out of the process. Our caseworker was able to get the kidos caseworker to look at us again and she liked us enough to offer to send us to committee with the one remaining family. Another family tried to get in for the third spot, but the kido’s caseworker said no to them. So we might not be the top of the list, but we are not on the bottom.

Getting ready for a committee in 4 days is insane. We had to fill out one more questionnaire, which we did Thursday night after dinner and then about 40 emails the next morning back in forth between the two of us, polishing the questionnaire until it shined.

Saturday we drove around and got some last minute photos of some playgrounds and the local elementary school for our hello book (The hello book will be given to the kido IF we are selected Monday).  The rest of the weekend was spend trying very hard not to think about Monday. We played video games, watched tons of TV, even redecorated a bathroom.

Because  of the speed of the this and the emotions that are happening right now, we have decided not to go public with this part of our adoption story until it’s over. We decided not to post on Facebook or tell friends yet. No reason to get anyone excited until we know for sure. It’s not uncommon to go to committee several times before you are selected and this is only our first time.

We don’t get to go to the committee meeting, only the 3 committee members and the caseworkers involved will be present. We did the hand off of the Hello book to our caseworker Sunday night. We could tell she was picking her words very carefully with us not to raise or lower our hopes any. She did say all the hard work was done and it will be down to which family can offer more to the kido. Reading online seems to make us think they can be selected over the smallest things.

It’s really hard not to doubt yourself in a time like this. But we keep trying to push those type of thoughts away. Pretty sure Monday is going to be a hard and emotional day for us no matter what the out come. But we are really trying to see this in a good light, even if we are not picked this will give us some really good information for next time.

Committee meeting is at 1:30pm and should last about 3 hours, so by 4:30pm on Monday the 14th 2010 we should be getting a phone call that may change our lives forever.

We have been fairly busy lately and have fallen way behind in our family blog. So this is our official catch up blog.

In April we had Anthony’s Nephew come up for a one night visit. We did taco night and then went out and watched a movie. One night was just too short and we are all looking forward to his next visit.

His visit would have been longer but we had a preplanned long weekend trip planned. We drove down to Lincoln city for the weekend. We stayed at the Coho lodge. Which was a nice hotel we had a great ocean front room, but we hated the bed. We have become so spoiled on our latex mattress that sleeping on a traditional wire spring bed feels like sleeping on concrete.

Saturday morning after a horrible breakfast at Lil Sambo’s, We normally eat at Pig & Pancake, but we saw this place, it looked family friendly, so we took a risk. We walked in and were quickly promptly ignored by the staff member standing at the podium. Several minutes later anthoer hostess showed up and took us to our table. The restaurant was very very empty (our first warning), the staff out numbered the diners. Turned out the person with their back to us, ignoring us was a new in training waiter, so we let it go.

The hostess asked us if we would like drinks. Anthony ordered a Earl Grey tea, that this dumbfounded look washed over her face, then without asking us, walked away from the table, across the room and started yelling at the head waiter asking what Orange Oregon tea was. He shouted back that he had no idea but would ask us. He the walked over and softly asked us. Then took 3 steps away from the table and yelled back to hostess that it was Earl Grey. The only thing we could think was they were use to louder restaurant, that our they though we were deaf.

Our food came out and was promptly delivered to the wrong table (being one of only 3 tables with customers we stood amazed, in fact we should have stood up and walked out). The waiter realized he screwed up after he the other table complained. He took our food and scampered back in to the kitchen (more yelling took place) then 5 mins later the same plates came to our table.

Our food was stone cold. And the waiter quickly departed and did no follow up checks with our table. Perhaps he was worried about what we would say…. and he would have been right. Anthony’s cold hash browns were burnt, not a speck of white in them. Joshua’s biscuits and gravy was cold kindergarten paste congealed over two flour hockey pucks. We were starving so we forced back what we could off our plates Even if the food would have been hot, it would have been dull cafeteria food at best.

The worst was the name association of the of the place. We were drawn to the restaurant because it looked like a fun family place. Again doing a little pre-check for our future kido. We found out that it used to be called Lil “Black” Sambo’s, they had a little mini newsletter explaining the history of the restaurant. We didn’t take the newletter but here is what Wikipedia says about the book the restaurant was named after: “The book has a controversial history. The original illustrations by Bannerman showed a caricatured Southern Indian or Tamil child. The story may have contributed to the use of the word “sambo” as a racial slur. The book’s success led to many pirated, inexpensive, widely available versions that incorporated popular stereotypes of “black” people. In 1932 Langston Hughes criticized Little Black Sambo as a typical “pickaninny” storybook which was hurtful to black children, and gradually the book disappeared from lists of recommended stories for children.

Shortly after breakfast Anthony started to feel sick. Which was not surprising. So for most of Saturday afternoon, Anthony tried to sleep while Joshua did a little shopping.

Later that night we drove up to the Spirit Mt. Casino and got to see Cyndi Lauper live concert. Our seats were way in the back of the room, but for $15.00 each for a 2 hour concert, it was a great deal.

The show was really loud and focused more on her rock side then her softer catalogue which we both love. We saw at least 10 other people we knew from the Rose Court and Portland GLBT Community, some who we had not seen in years, it was a nice surprise treat.

The end of the month saw Anthony finally getting his iPad. We waited in line for Joshua’s wi-fi version, and hated it. So we preordered Anthony’s 3G version. We both still love them and they are in our hands most of the time.

On the adoption front, since our last post we have sent in about 4 home studies. There really seems to be no kidos out there that fit our target range. Which is a real bittersweet thing. Sad for us, happy that less kids are displacing from their homes.